Kamis, 25 Februari 2016

eng ing

much every little girl grows up with the same dream. Fall in love + get married + have kids = happily ever after. Somehow it's ingrained into us from day one with movies like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Fall in love, get married, have kids will equate to happiness.

What they forgot to mention in ALL of those fairy tales, the horrible, time consuming, emotional roller coaster that is called dating.

Some people are very lucky. They meet and date a few people in life before they fall blissfully in love. Fairy tale ending and all. Then you get to hear things from them like "I'm so blessed" and "I'm so lucky" every frickin day. Just so you know, when you say that to people who DON'T have these things, you make them feel like crap.

For those of us feeling like crap ... still trying, kissing one frog after another in the scum filled dating pool, well we want to kick those people. Really really hard.

It all begins at the same place, that first kiss or crush. For me it was the beginning of my life long career of liking and/or meeting the wrong men in life. Sure, we all have our stories. Bad dates, horrible boyfriends, the one that 'got away', but mine well...mine are epic novels of jaw dropping folklore that will be pasted down from generation to generation.

Hilarious, funny, tragic, mortifying there are many adjectives to describe my romantic social life. Good on the other hand isn't one of them. I'm not all negative Nellie here, I've met some wonderful people along the way, learned some lessons, had some real fun. Maybe too much fun at times, right Beth? When life hands you lemons, garb some Stoli and rock it out. I never thought for a moment life would hand me 30 and single.

I know, this isn't the 1950's being 30 and single isn't so surprising or unheard of. At least that's what they tell me anyway. Women are independent, want careers and stability before husbands and babies. Personally I thought it all just happened naturally. I didn't know you were supposed to look or work on it. I'm a simple girl, granted one that danced on table tops, rubbed elbows with Chicago’s finest, and may or may not have flashed half of Lake and Cook county at one point (sorry Dad) but still simple none the less.

I figured if I had to go through this much bad there must be something really great at the end. There had to be! It's in the plan, fall in love, get married, have kids! My happily ever after. Didn't fate know the plan? Then it hit me. I'm a romantic, and romance died somewhere between the creation of PS2, Xbox and the invention of the downloading speeds of the high speed internet. I mean REALLY, men can pay $20 and get a girl half a world away to perform any act he wants on camera, why the hell does he need to put for the effort with love notes, flowers, dinners, and sweet nothings for the hope of possible missionary later?

Most people, men and women alike, don't even realize what romance means. Its literal meaning is the intimate relationship between two people. Romance isn't all directed from the man all to the women, or visa versa, it's a group effort. One sided love is probably the worst feeling in the world...trust me I've lived through it but I've never wanted to die more in my life. It's not about fancy gifts, hot spots to go to, or elaborate gestures. It's the little things, the very little things.

Leaving work and seeing a wild flower from the field next door on my car with note on the back of a receipt from your car saying, saw this flower....such beauty belongs together so I picked it for you.

An email at 1pm that pops into my inbox reminding me of a story we shared or moment we had months or years ago...just cause it popped in your head.

Touching my face when we kiss, walking in the door and hugging me first thing, reminding me you miss me even if you're only gone on a one day trip.

Waking up early knowing I have a long hard day ahead of me, just to make me coffee.

I once spent 2 days making a CD of English Punk 'love' songs for my ex. Let me tell you how much I knew about English Punk bands...NADA. Why did I do it? Cause he was English, and he loved that music...and it was fun to go through all this music and feel how I felt about him when I heard it. FYI you can find a love song in any music category.

I'm a card mailer, post card sender, sentimental, keep ever ticket stub, card, matchbook and flower kinda girl. I love it...not the Tiffany's, the Gibson’s, the 2 ct rings. Not the big house or the BMW, no white picket fences. The hands down best date I ever went on we didn't spend a dime, we volunteered at the animal shelter, went and saw the beach in March (beautiful by the way) and drove around neighborhoods I have never seen. (Thanks Andrew) It's not about what you give me, where you take me, but how you make me feel. Special, needed, wanted, beautiful, respected, inspired.

Unfortunately life is not the "Notebook" (FYI I've never even seen this movie because I'm positive it would anger me with lies and torment...kinda how I feel about Disney movies) Instead I'm surrounded by the 'settlers'. Look around, you are too. The men and women that settled down for the sake of "this could work" or "well, it seems like it should be the next logical step". Then they look at people like me, 30's and single and start with the "quotes". I'm beginning to think there's a book you all get when you get married and suddenly need something to tell your single friends.

"It'll happen when you least expect it" or "You're so great anyone would be lucky to have you."

My personal favorite, "You're just so independent, people are just intimated by that. They'll come around."

FYI people, these things are not compliments, they're condescending. I'd much rather hear "If you lost 20 pounds, maybe you'd stand a chance." It would sting a lot less. Honestly, I'd rather be single then settle.

So here's my question, after that first kiss, do you pick your path? Do you make a choice at that fork in the road that either leads you into the direction of a life of marriage, white picket fence and 2.5 kids or the direction of broken hearts, dirty sex, pints of ice cream and lots of empty bottles of wine?

Honestly, I'm happy being "Just Dawn" (love, my boys). My life full of wonderful family, beautiful love between my friends and I, and the romance I have with myself and who I want to be...well, that's pretty satisfying if you ask me. One day my "romance" could involve me waking up to that special someone excited to see them everyday, but until it does, I wake up everyday excited that I am in this beautiful love affair with all of you reading this.

eng ing

I don't know why, but I believe it's hereditary personally. Even when I'm sure I said or did the right thing, I always wonder if I should have done it differently.

Even with the simple things like driving....should I have taken this way instead of that way? Or more complicated things like relationships....if I would have done this would the outcome of said relationship have been better?

Funny thing is, I always come to the same conclusion. Indifference.

Indifference is that spot where you kinda go "Eh, Whatever". I'm here aren't I? No one died, did they? Everyone still has their limbs, right? By this point you've asked yourself every dumb question in the book about what you could've, would've, should've done before you just numb yourself to the emotions and throw your white flag up moving yourself into indifference.

Years of going through the motions has done this to me. I have the motions down like Helen Keller and sign language. I just haven't taught my brain to jump straight to indifference yet. It's a strange place to care a lot for a very little amount of time.

No I'm not a cold hearted bitch. (or snake by Paula Abdul standards) I honestly can't STOP myself from caring about people from the get go. I'm a big ol' softie that way...but honestly I don't have time for your crap, I have enough of my own. So after my 48 hours of contemplation and a little self torture I'm done second guessing...I'm literally done. Call it a wall, call me jaded, call me a gypsy of emotions. Whatever you want to call it...I call it self preservation.

People to me are a constant challenge. Sometimes they disappoint you like the lack of prize in the cereal box. Sometimes they surprise you pleasantly like the $20 you found in your winter jacket.

For me after my little roller coast of second guessing and indifference, I'd rather be pleasantly surprised, so no offense I'll just keep you all down here on this really low step instead of hoisting you on the pedestal. Imagine how you could hurt yourself if you fell?! Or I kicked you off?! This is just safer, maybe here I can teach my brain how to just move straight to indifference, it just seems closer from here.